Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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