My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
