I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
