when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
