dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
