my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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