Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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