Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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