i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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