His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
