what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
