i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
