I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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