you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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