Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
