my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
