remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
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