I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
then he tried to convert me to islam
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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