I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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