It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
