Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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