I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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