u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
