the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
