Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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