My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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