I wish I could teleport
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
