I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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