nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
