naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
