the condom got lost in my hair
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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