So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize