I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
