Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize