meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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