So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
