do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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