Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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