Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
