apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
