I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
So much Jack, so little girl.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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