If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
