saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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