Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
