Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
