Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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