The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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