Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
