I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
