I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
