dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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