So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
