her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
