They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
