Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
