Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
this hospital has no fireball
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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