Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
