I could make wine with my vomit
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize