I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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