i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
