No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
