I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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